Hot and Bothered
It’s a weird feeling when you feel that no matter what you do you’re never going to make it.
I’ve been running for what seems like forever, but if I had to pinpoint a year I would guess that I began in 2016 — a sophomore in high-school. I was getting to the point in life when you have to figure out your next steps. To most, mine were written in stone, no questions asked.
I always made good grades. Great grades, actually. I was in special programs for “Academically Intelligently Gifted” students, I received medals for being an “Academic Superstar”, and I was even selected to attend Governor’s School the summer before my senior year. All of my achievements screamed college material. I mean, that’s what I was preparing for, right? Higher education. A degree. A doctorate. To change the world!
Right?…
Constant support from teachers, family, and friends wasn’t enough to keep me from wondering. I challenged myself every day with various outcomes after high-school. Am I even going to college? Do I want to go to college? Should I just stay home and work to help my family? Maybe I can start my own business and be an entrepreneur?
This point in my life was probably one of the first times I ever truly understood what my mom meant when she said she was stressed.
Growing up I was always told I could be whatever I wanted to be and that no matter what I would always have support. I quickly realized after various discussions with my family that not going to college wasn’t exactly an option. I mean, I still had support. Just, you know, in reference to which college I wanted to go to. And yeah, I could be whatever I wanted to be.
In reference to my career. After I graduated from college.
In the fall of 2017 during my first semester of being a high-school senior, I began my treacherous journey into the world of preparing college. I swear I took more tests and submitted more applications my senior year than I ever did my entire school career. The pressure was real, and your girl was feeling it. I applied to every school I felt any inkling of interest in, and in order to assure my admission to each school I made sure to excel. I joined more extra curricular activities, I got a part-time job, I took the SAT twice, the ACT thrice, and I even studied for my classes, which is something I never did.
Cue April 2018, and I finally get the acceptance letter I had been waiting for. I got into all of the other colleges — no questions asked. But this one? This college was the ivy league of public schools and if I didn’t get in.. well I wasn’t really expecting that I would.
Well. What do you know.
I’ve been running for what seems like forever.
I began in 2016 when I was a sophomore in high-school. Now it’s January 2020 and I’m a sophomore once again, but this time at The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Everyday I wake up anxious and excited. It’s a blessing knowing that my hard-work paid off, but a curse realizing that my excessive thirst for success will never truly be quenched. I have a goal in mind that I am working to reach each and every day, but the harder I work towards that goal the farther away it seems. There have been days when I have lost all hope in myself, and there have been days when I feel on top of the world. Despite having gone through something so similar before, I’ve found myself questioning what my purpose is outside of this school and outside of being successful. I mean, will I ever be successful? Will I ever reach my goals? Will I ever make it out?
I’m at that point in life where I’m trying to figure out my next steps. Stress is no stranger, and this year I’ve probably taken more tests and submitted more applications than I have my entire school career.
I’m. Burnt. Out.
It’s so funny how life repeats itself.