My relationship with Love

With the impending Love centric day approaching, I thought it would be helpful to reflect on my relationship with Love.

At this point in my life, I have almost made it a personality trait to be scorned and anti-relationship. And I’m not too sure where this came from.

I have always been one of those people that would imagine the way my wedding would look: in the winter, on New Year’s Eve, in a castle. I’m in a Disney princess-type dress and the fireworks go off when we kiss. There’s a Spotify playlist specific for my wedding.

I can imagine my perfect proposal: we’re under the Aurora Borealis because I love the stars and space and it’s always been a dream to see the Northern Lights. He takes advantage of the moment when I’m in awe of the sky to surprise me with that moment, the one where he’s down on one knee with a ring.

But why does all of this feel like a dream?

Completely unattainable?

Is this on me? Should I let go off the big dreams? Should I settle for less?

Is it on men? Should I be satisfied with the bare minimum? Do I need to teach him the bare minimum?

Could my mother have something to do with this? I didn’t grow up seeing a loving relationship. Quite the opposite to be honest. I grew up with verbal and emotional abuse. I grew up begging my mother to leave the man she was with, just for her to keep getting back with him.

When I asked her why she never truly left him, why she never went for more, her answer was, “what if the next one was worse?”

I never speak to her about men anymore. I rarely speak to her at all.

Could my ex have something to do with this? He wasn’t horrible, we’re still best friends, we still live together. A little rough around the edges, a little toxic, but at this point toxicity is in the fine print with men. But I can honestly say that he was the best thing that ever happened to me. He helped me out of a deadly situation and helped me become a better person.

Our relationship wasn’t horrible, our lows were really hard but our highs, our highs were fucking beautiful.

But after we broke up, I became jaded to love. I started to doubt anything a man had to say to me as being genuine and not just some fuck shit to get in my pants.

Was it self-defense? 

So where did this cold edge come from? Why do I believe that love is something I won’t find? I have always believed in soulmates, but why do I now believe that mine is in the wrong timeline? And if that’s the case, why do I still have these dreams of the perfect proposal and wedding? Why do I still add songs to the wedding playlist?