Recognizing Love

I’ve never learned to accept love for what it truly was. I never really knew, at least not when it came to myself. I was so busy trying to convince myself of the ways love should look like that I missed out on the ways it currently showed up in my life.

Love shaku shaku’d and made randomized beats on the kitchen countertop. Love screamed up the stairs to stop singing, but missed my voice when I left for college. Love sent memes to the group chat everyday. Love fed me cultural abundance. Love clowned me and got annoyed when they couldn’t record their shows because of the interference. Love cooks and doesn’t ask if I want any, because they know I do. Love argues and laughs and discusses what happened. Love makes me laugh at little things until our stomachs ache, until we’re both gasping for air. 

We watch each other stumble around, trip and then get back up. We laugh, then ask “are you okay?”. Love trembles when they see you are not okay. A quick gloom overcomes their face, but leaves quickly to show how they care for you. Love comes into your room to lay there with you, no utterance of a word, just to lay in silence and exist with you. 

Love is honest with you. Love encourages you to jump high, but will try their hardest not to let the springs on the trampoline break. If the springs do break, love cleans your wounds. They will ask if you’re okay until you answer genuinely. I will say, “I’m okay”, one, “I’m okay”, two, “I’m okay”, three, please stop asking. I don’t want to reach the fourth because I don’t really know if I’m okay. I’m just protecting you, I..think. Yes, I’m protecting you, I mean me but I’ll say it’s you so you leave. The funny thing being, you won’t leave. Love returns after every single attempt to push it away, love always returns.   

Love helped me breathe when I felt I didn’t deserve to. Love’s words grasped my arm and pulled me back from my destruction. The air slowly returned to my body. It wasn’t love’s job, but they shielded me from my pain anyways. I am slowly allowing love to enter my body. As love explores my individuality, I wonder what they think. I suppose my anxieties, judgements and doubts are too much. How much of me do I let them know before they run out of fear? Will they run out of fear, or will they stay? 

I’m afraid love will someday leave and never return. I sometimes believe love itself is afraid of being near me. But I’m learning. I’m learning to feel deserving of everything love encompasses. Acceptance is a virtue I hope to find before letting others feel my worth, but it's crucial to know that---You don’t need to love yourself entirely before you let love fill your soul. Let love creep into the cracks where you feel broken. You don’t need to know exactly what to say or feel. Be transparent with the people you give your love to. Find comfort in solitude, but do not be hesitant to accept love. Love needs you, just as much as you need it.