Main Character

Every thought I have is flirtatious banter with my future. 

What if I had a dump truck?

What if Michael B. Jordan dumps Lori Harvey and realizes that I’m his soulmate?

They’re the “just kidding...unless…?” meme. My thoughts are prefaced by “what ifs” and hypotheticals. They’re nothing serious, just peeps at the things I truly desire. My brain protects me from failure by reducing my desires into fantasies. The “what ifs” cushion my heart from the pain of disappointment. If I dismantled the safety net in my mind, then I would open myself up to the possibility of failure. Failure is terrifying. My brain takes it personally. It tells me that I failed because I didn’t do something right. Or that I wasn’t good enough. The worst feeling is pushing myself beyond my limits yet still failing. That’s when reality reminds me that hard work doesn’t guarantee success. 

I woke up a couple of months ago and decided that I’m gonna be the main character in my life. I’ve mentally been in a trench for the past year. Constant setbacks killed any positive thoughts. I didn’t feel excited when I thought of my future. Instead I felt dread. Life seemed long and dull and exhausting. I’m not sure what triggered my mental shift- I often do things on a whim anyways.  I think I realized that the people, traits, and habits I admire are real. Since they’re real, why couldn’t I do those things? The comfort that hypothetical thoughts gave me restrained me from exploring reality. Trying and failing is better than not trying at all. At least I can live without the torment of missed opportunities. The things I want in life are physically possible, so I will achieve them. There isn’t a zero percent chance of achieving what I want, so why not try? Failure isn’t a word in my mental vocabulary anymore. Even if it takes time, tears, or multiple tries, I will achieve the things I desire.