Quarantine Dream
Quarantine… the word itself is the type to make you groan with annoyance. We have all been stuck inside our houses and apartments, for the fear of COVID lurks at every corner. It spreads through the most subtle of contacts, an invisible troll that floats through the air. As a result, we sit inside our rooms lit by daylight and lamps, glued to the blue-tinted screens of our computers. The highlight of our days: clicking the Zoom link to each of our classes, as we sit through what is supposed to be an in-person experience to laugh and learn with our friends. Here are some of my own thoughts that have floated in and out of my head since being caught in this quarantine dream…
The distractions are imminent when in quarantine: during class, I find myself doing other work, cleaning my room impulsively, and worst of all, scrolling through the endless void that is none other than Tik Tok. Video after video, I save and like each one that gives me a moment of laughter. The family is another distraction, where screams of my little sisters and their obnoxious laughs find their way to the microphone of my computer when speaking to my professor.
But there is one thing that has stuck its ugly head at me during quarantine: my insecurities. Every day, I find myself waking up and looking at myself in the mirror, labeling every imperfection I see. It’s funny because when on campus, my friends and I are there to hype each other up, exchanging compliments on our appearances and overall confidence. With no one here with me, I begin to see the things that are wrong with me. Why do I look like this? My body didn’t look like this before, at least I never noticed it. And why am I breaking out so much? Is it stress? It must be the stress. There is also the insecurity of classes: Am I missing something? Is there a hidden module I don’t know about? What if there is some rule or test that I missed? The insecurities rear their ugly heads to me like a sore thumb, where every time I think I’ve overcome one, another pops up.
Despite the encroaching darkness these insecurities feed, there is still a light in the dream. I’ve begun to pick up new hobbies, read new books, and perhaps my favorite of all: listening to new music. For when I am going through a depressive episode, it’s Joji who understands my sunken feelings. When I am getting ready to start my day, I work out with Travis Scott and BTS. And for the nights when I’m in heavy-grind mode to finish my homework, Taylor Swift on folklore will always have my back.
As fluid the situation is, we all have our ups and downs in quarantine. For me, it can sometimes be overwhelming and depressive. But at the same time, there is always a solution to motivate me and grow as a person. I may not have my friends physically by my side, but I do have my belief that we will all get through this together.