It's okay not to be okay.

School has always been draining. 

I knew college was going to be hard and UNC has definitely tested me on more than one occasion, but I feel like each semester brings new challenges that just seem to be getting more difficult. 

I feel like difficult isn't even a good enough word to describe what my sophomore year of college has been like. First semester was completely remote, which was to be expected, but it still made things challenging for students all over the country. Aside from having to juggle my academics and extracurriculars, I had to deal with a lot of health issues this year as well. I began thinking about high school and how sophomore year was so hard for me. I was praying that wouldn't be the case for college, but it seemed like this school year was going to be a repeat of the one I had four years ago. 

Second semester really took everything out of me. From the first week of classes I was extremely sick and had to return home. Physically I started to feel better, but I couldn’t say the same about my mental health. I was constantly worrying about whether or not I would get sick again, scared about getting COVID-19 and trying to keep up with my school work so that my GPA wouldn't suffer even when that’s all I seemed to be doing since the semester started. I was overwhelmed, exhausted and just tired. I wanted to throw in the towel, but after many conversations with my mother, she suggested I try going to therapy again. I went to therapy a couple of times back in high school, but I never really felt like I connected with my therapist. While I knew being completely honest with my therapist was the only way to benefit from going to therapy, I had to make sure I trusted that person. I didn’t want it to feel like I was pouring my heart out to a total stranger. This led me to find someone I could trust so that I could get the help that I needed. When I called about setting up my first appointment, I specifically told them I wanted to meet with a Black woman. Black women have always made me feel safe, and I always feel like I am able to trust them. Once I started meeting with my therapist, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I could tell there was a difference from when I went to therapy years ago. I was opening up more, which allowed my therapist to be able to help me more. This was a step in the right direction in making sure my mental health could improve even with the many obstacles life has thrown my way. 

While this school year has proved that I was far from being okay, I took it upon myself to do what I could to make sure I was getting the help I needed. No matter what was going on with me, I always told myself it’s okay not to be okay.