What counts as sexual assault?

I was drunk, so I thought it was my fault.

I had consented to kissing, so the rest was my fault.

It wasn't rape, so it wasn’t sexual assault.

At one point during my time at UNC, I was sexually assaulted by a man at a party. The details are not important. What’s important is the fact that it took me almost two years to realize that what I experienced was sexual assault. I was sexually assaulted.

You hear about sexual assault cases, and those consist of things like rape, penetrative sex, etc. This seemed mellow in comparison, so I brushed it off, which ended up hurting me more in the long run.

Despite "brushing it off," I was left extremely traumatized. For almost two years since the incident took place, I thought about it almost every day. The memory would pop up in my mind, and I would start hating myself because of what happened. I blamed myself every single time because I felt like I could have done something different. 

"It's cause I was drunk.” 

“I had already been kissing him.” 

“It was my fault."

It wasn't until the summer of 2020, when my social media feed became filled with stories of sexual assault from other AAPI women on UNC’s campus, that I first thought, "Wait, maybe what happened was sexual assault..." These women offered enlightenment and solidarity that I didn’t know I needed. They helped me feel like it wasn’t my fault. They gave me the confidence to confide in my friends, which I had been afraid to do for so long.

I then conducted many Google searches, to see if what happened to me “counted” or “classified” as sexual assault (despite the lasting trauma that would say otherwise). I share my findings, because I can’t be the only one who needed these definitions.

According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), “sexual assault refers to sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the victim. Some forms of sexual assault include:

  • Attempted rape

  • Fondling or unwanted sexual touching (Ex. breasts, genitals, buttocks, groin, mouth)

  • Forcing a victim to perform sexual acts, such as oral sex or penetrating the perpetrator’s body

  • Penetration of the victim’s body, also known as rape”

Note that rape is a form of sexual assault, but not all sexual assault is rape. 

I also found that alcohol can blur consent and that consent should be given free of the influence of alcohol. Essentially, an intoxicated person cannot give consent.

The only person to blame is the perpetrator. In my case, he was sober while I was drunk, taking advantage of me completely. I finally had concrete “proof” that it wasn’t my fault, even though I was drunk.

It was NOT my fault.

Sexual assault can happen in many different forms, and I hope we’ve all learned that now. Anyone can be sexually assaulted. Since realizing the gravity of my experience, I’ve been able to seek proper care and heal from what happened to me.

My experience is valid. And yours is too. It doesn’t have to be rape to be considered sexual assault. The emotional wounds can be made regardless. And no one should feel invalidated about whatever they go through.

This isn’t about the perpetrator; I don’t even know his full name. This is about me, the survivor—not a victim, but a survivor. 

But I am not trying to seek attention. I can’t speak for all survivors of sexual assault, but I, for one, would much rather forget about this, than relive the memory over and over. But I share in hopes that people can learn from this. This is about fostering accountability and making a healthier and safer environment for all.

Maybe my story helped you realize something about your past. Whoever you are, whatever your story is, know that you are not alone, even if you feel like it.

Sexual assault has NO place in this world, in any shape or form. 

Resources for Survivors of Sexual Assault (and more)

Resources at UNC

  • Campus Health: Resources for survivors of sexual assault

  • Carolina Women’s Center: UNC’s center for gender equity

    • Gender Violence Services Coordinators (GVSC): Part of the Women’s Center, they provide confidential support and advocacy for all students, faculty, staff, and postdocs who have been impacted by gender-based violence or harassment, which may include gender-based discrimination, harassment, sexual violence, sexual exploirtation, interpersonal (relationship) violence, and stalking.

  • Equity Opportunity and Compliance Office: Fosters UNC’s commitment to a safe, equitable, and welcoming campus, free from discrimination and harrassment.

    • Comprehensive Resource Guide: Provides more detailed information about how to get help following an incident of sexual and gender-based discrimination, sexual harassment, sexual assault or sexual violence, interpersonal (relationship) violence, and stalking.

  • LGBTQ Center: The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender,and Queer (LGBTQ) Center works to foster a welcoming and inclusive environment for UNC-Chapel Hill community members of all sexual orientations, gender identities and gender expressions.

  • Office of the Dean of Students: The Dean of Students is committed to assisting each student reach their full potential, while being a participant in a dynamic, engaging, and inclusive environment

  • Safe at UNC: UNC’s main portal for resources and information about discrimination, harassment, sexual violence, interpersonal violence, and stalking.

  • University Ombuds Office: Serves as a confidential, impartial, and informal resource for students and employees. The Ombuds Office is available to listen, help identify and evaluate options, and offer referrals to other resources.

Resources in NC

  • Compass Center for Women and Families: Based in Orange County, their services include “career and financial education, domestic violence crisis and prevention programs, assistance with legal resources, and youth health programs.”

  • Orange County Rape Crisis Center: Based in Orange County, they serve survivors of sexual violence in Chapel Hill, Carrboro, Hillsborough, and surrounding areas. Their services include 24-hour helplines, therapy, advocacy and accompaniment, support groups, workshops, and case management.

  • Safe Alliance: Based in Mecklenberg County, they provide for those impacted by domestic violence and sexual assault.

  • Safe Space: Based in Franklin County, they empower survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault. They can talk with you, provide emotional support, go with you to the hospital, go with you to the police to make a report, and more.

  • Turning Point: Based in Union County, they serve survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, and child abuse.

  • NC Coalition Against Domestic Violence: Provides resources for survivors and state-wide referrals. 

  • NC Coalition Against Sexual Assault: Provides resources for survivors and state-wide referrals. 

  • NC Council for Women and Youth Involvement’s Sexual Assault Program: Locates sexual assault services in all NC counties

National Resources

Trang Le